Okay. Confession time. I’ve had friends who have posted their blogs and have hoped/expected me to read them. I admit that I haven’t. I’m a terrible friend, but that’s not exactly news to anyone who knows me or is reading this. In the old days, people who truly wanted their voices heard were limited to the grueling process of being published by actual reputable publication houses or men’s room stalls. This is no longer the case. Men don’t carve their innermost thoughts above the toilet paper roll anymore. At least, not at the only public restroom I’d ever utilize–my hometown Panera Bread. People who have the time and wherewithal to write anything (and who are not under contract with Simon and Schuster or the like) have become bloggers, a term that sounds a little dirty to me. For the longest time, I’ve felt that people who have resorted to blogging (ew!) have perhaps felt a little too proud of their writing ability. I’m writing today to admit that I have based this analysis on exactly zero hard evidence. Thus, I suck.
So, I’ll ask you, fearless reader: Do bloggers tend to focus primarily on themselves and their pets and/or children? Do they “whine” about getting mosquito bites, forgetting to buy gas before the most recent price hike, or other white-people problems? I wouldn’t know (see paragraph 1).
The only restitution I can offer is to go back in Internet time and read those blogs I should have read. It only seems respectful and fair. I don’t want to be hypocritical. I’d actually prefer never to be compared to a hippo either.
And THAT’S why I’ve given up soda!
For a month.
Which is the true focus of today’s blog. Soda. I was indirectly forced/coerced to delete soda from my daily diet about six years ago when I had gastric bypass surgery. Most people know what that is, but I’m going to lay out the medical details for the uniformed anyway. Why? Because this is my MF-in’ blog!
Seriously: It’s when a “doctor” puts chloroform over your mouth and six months later you’re skinnier than before.
So I gave up soda because I was warned the contents of such would “kill” me. Much like death but worse, is what one nurse said. Of course, a lot of things can kill us. Cigarettes, buses, UFC fighting. But we continue to engage anyway. For some reason though, I took this warning to heart and went about sixteen months, three weeks, and four days without tasting soda. Then I drank a coke, and I felt what some women refer to as an “orgasm.” If I knew my (or anyone else’s) Bible, I’d make a connection to the Adam and Eve-apple story at this point. Wait! Is there a connection to the Apple icon and the Bible? Hello, next Blog topic!!!
I started drinking soda off and on, but my arm got tired so I limited it to when it was only available on. It was around this point that I discovered a liking for coffee. Then frappucinos. Later, iced coffee. Now I try to drink all three simultaneously so I can get to my next free coffee at Starbucks even faster.
Speaking of which, I can’t believe I’m writing this at my HOME and not at a STARBUCKS. Perhaps I wasn’t cut out for blogging after all.
Crap! Damn mosquitoes….