More Unsolicited Advice to my Son

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Okay, my boy.  It’s been about three months since you exited your mother and entered Terre Haute Union Hospital Birth Suite 5.  Right now, I’m absolutely in love with you primarily because you successfully went to sleep after only about 90 minutes of Mom and me doing everything in our growing book of tricks.  Don’t get me/us wrong:  we adore playing with you, reading to you, laughing with you and all of the other wonderful stuff that goes with raising a child.  It’s just…our sleep schedules aren’t exactly synced yet.  Again, we will never stop loving you but your resilience to sleep is Ghandi-like sometimes.  As i type this on a frosty Sunday morning, you’re currently swaying back and forth and Mom is getting some well-deserved sleep.  I’m typing this silly blog and wishing Starbucks delivered.  Anyway, I bought this new laptop the other day (yes, the one you will make fun of in about six years) and read through some old blogs from before you were born.  I’m going to add a few things to my list of things to think about/do as you grow up and become your own man.  Dads apparently do this stuff, so I feel an obligation.  Of course, you can always ask for advice yourself when you’re able to form words other than “Bhzghpl” and “Hiccup.”

11.  Don’t encourage us to carve the pumpkins too early.  There’s nothing scarier than a maniacal jack-o-lantern whose teeth are literally rotting.

12.  All that candy you will accumulate between now and the year that trick-or-treating becomes “stupid” or “medically disastrous” is for the family.   Think of it as your once-a-year contribution to the Lively Food Pantry.

13.  Never end a list of anything with 13.  It’s a stupid superstition, but you come from creative genes so just come up with more.

14.  You owe your mother….freaking everything.  It’s a simple fact.  So, this is less advice and more of an apology in advance in case I smack you in the head for being rude to your mother.  If we had the technology, we would have been recording everything so you can have an idea what she does for you every blanking day.

15.  Acting on impulse is among the most exhilarating aspects of being alive.  Just.  Be.  Safe.  🙂

More later.  I’m going back to my novel.  Or maybe get coffee.

-Dad

Unsolicited Advice to my Unborn Son

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This will be a list in progress.  It will consist of the things I think of as they happen/occur to me so I never forget.  Thankfully, the Internet is an excellent substitute for my short-term memory.  Thanks, Internet. 

1.  Never trust anyone who tells you he/she has “an incredible offer.” 

2.  Cross-contamination is a real thing and when cooking, you need to wash everything all the time.  Constantly.

3.  If your boxers hang above your pants line at a measurable level, I will disown you and you’ll have to live with one of your two creepy uncles.

4.  Country music blows.

5.  I never understood the concept of gutters either, but you should probably get them when you actually buy a house. 

6.  Same with guest towels.

7.  Let the charcoal cook for a while.  You’re not on television, and no one wants to interrupt a perfectly good meal with a trip to the ER only to have an overweight nurse tell you your eyebrows have been permanently singed. 

8.  Oil changes are really okay longer than 3K miles.  I’m not conspiracy theorist, but I know it’s not going to ruin your car if you go over that much.

9.  Wear gloves when you do yardwork.  I know it’s not manly, but even if you work for six seconds, you’re my son.  Thus, you’re bound to find the poison ivy.

10.  Stretch.  

I will continue this list later.  My pork chops are done.