It’s Time To Come Out (Satire)

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The following blog contains sensitive information that only you have access to.  Yes, my first sentence ends with a preposition.  Trust me, that’s the least of my problems.  As the title of this entry indicates, I have some very revealing information to relay to you, my trusted Internet friends and respected Government Officials.  No one has ever known this about me.  Not even my loved ones.  But it’s time to “come out of the closet” so to speak.

Guys…..

No..I’m not ready to type the words just yet.  You should know that this has been a tough decision.  I could have probably led my life just as it was without ever “coming out” as they say.  I’ve made an adult decision, however, to set what I think are good standards for my children and I hope I do not embarrass them in any way by using this method of expressing what makes me different.   That’s a funny term for it, wouldn’t you say?  “Different.”

It would be naive to think I am the first person to point out the mixed messages we show children these days.  On the one hand, parents, teachers, and church officials tend to encourage young people to “be themselves” and “strive for independence” and “pick up their rooms.”  Conversely, and perhaps in and among the most prevalent form of entertainment with which young people will later tell their Skype-therapist were their “earliest memories,” social media has all but become a forum for some of the nastiest, most hateful, and despicable words and sentiments ever pseudo-published–and that’s just on YouTube’s comments sections!

What?  You made it through that ghastly last sentence?  Great!  Here’s my point.    I’m not the kind of guy you thought I was.

I’m actually….right-handed.

Regardless of my seemingly natural inclination to write, throw, bat, and Frisbee-golf with my left hand, I’ve been kidding myself.  Obviously, God wants all people to be right-handed, and I have spent over thirty years–that’s 3-0–trying to convince myself and the world that I’m something God doesn’t want.  I should have succumbed earlier in life, like when my first-grade teacher vehemently tried to convince me that I really am right-handed and that left-handedness was more an “experimental phase” I was going through early in life.

Unfortunately, my family was WAY too supportive of my claim of left-handedness.  My mom especially took it upon herself to tell my sports coaches, piano tutor, and teachers that she didn’t want to stifle the use of my left hand.  If she’d only just forced me to what God intended, I would have had a much smoother childhood.  Parents…supporting their children.  What a crazy world it is.

In high school, when things really got weird with hormones and stuff, my freaky left-handedness got in the way.  Girls didn’t understand why I wanted to sit on the other side of them in movie theaters.  That alone shortened my overall dating experiences.  Word, I assume, must have traveled fast that I “wasn’t like other guys” and so my saxophone got a lot more attention on weekends.  That’s not a euphemism, either.

In short, I hope to help other people who have struggled with this desire to do what felt right and natural with their left hand and just tell them that they need to put that aside and go with what a loving Lord must have meant for all of us.  Be like everyone else.  I’m pretty sure it’s in every book of the Bible, too.  It’s something like “Sinners who show a proclivity to a dominate use of the left hand shall be shunned until they come to grips with reality.  Lefties will spend an eternity in hell.  And if they’re seen in any close relationships with other lefties, just know that this all-loving God will have no place for them in Heaven (aka Righties Only).”

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