I know what you’re thinking already. Another shitty story from some nobody dropout whose life goals were unachievable and nothing more than chaotic pipe dreams. I get it. I prefer, though, to think of myself as a victim of society—or perhaps societal values. Isn’t it interesting how much time, effort, and money we spend looking forward to the next “vacation” where we can finally “let go” and “relax”? What many people don’t see in me is that I’m calling that mentality total fucking bullshit.
And we should all be ashamed to think that’s why we were placed on this gorgeous fucking planet.
Now. Hear me out. I’m a server. Some call it a waiter. I take food orders from people in restaurants, bring that food out to them, fill their fucking teas, waters, or beers in some places, and scoop their tips. It’s not a mind-bending type of life or career. It’s cash. It’s mundane most of the time. It probably has interesting roots—I imagine ancient Egyptians or something bringing meals to those in political power and rewarded with some trivial trinket or item of small value.
Like most people who do my job, I did not sit around in high school looking forward to the day where I would be lambasted by a boss who’s on a uniform-neatness kick, stuck in an awkward position to listen to some grandma bitch about how her kids don’t bring her grandchildren over often like they used to, or worried that a girl at the restaurant I’ve been seeing is either cheating on me or looking for ways to let me down easily. No. Nothing terrifically dreamy about those scenarios. Scenaria? Anyway, I took this job when my college “career” went to shit and I haven’t done anything else. It’s kind of like G-rated stripping or prostitution. By no means is the money close to what I assume those girls take home, but in a way it’s the money (and the ease of obtaining it) that’s kept me here almost eight years.
Man that looks like a huge number when I type it out. It’s shitty because it’s pretty much the same thing every day, but there are no two days alike. I mean, one day, I’ll get some regulars, have some repeated conversations, help the new kids with the shit on the computer, and eventually sneak out of there with my ninety- or hundred bucks. Once in a while, something crazy will happen in the kitchen. Or they’ll play a block of AC/DC tunes at like the perfect time in the server alley.
But I keep going back. And I wonder if other people keep going to their own jobs with the same perspective. Do they truly think they are adding to the value of their company, the community, and/or the people with whom they work? Is it just a paycheck? Is it just something people do in order to save up for that trip to Disney, Cozumel, or Venice? Is working a job where the return is strictly financial worth our time?
Don’t fucking ask me. I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in if I knew any of the answers to my own questions.
So, how do I manage through the muck of restaurant work year after year? It’s pretty much with moments like this:
Me: Hey, there. I’m Bill. You must be new this week.
Newb: Hi. I’m Latosha.
Me: I’m sorry. What? How do you say it?
Newb: What’s that supposed to mean?
Me: Nothin’. It’s just…
Newb: It’s just what?
Me: I mean…I thought it’d be pronounced differently. I saw your name on the floorplan…
Newb: Oh. I get that a lot. How were you thinking it should be pronounced?
Me: I dunno…maybe like, er….”Mike.” Or “Jeremy”…
Newb: What the fuck?
Me: Dude, it’s cool. I mean, I don’t care. You’re gonna want to hide that adam’s apple a bit more.
Newb: My real name is Benjamin, but please don’t tell anybody, okay?
Me: It’s all good, Latosha. Glad to have you aboard.
And now I’ve got that dude on the hook for a big favor for about a week. He might cover me while I duck out for a smoke or just give me one of his parties or something. I don’t press for shit like that anymore. That’s one thing I’ve learned about this job: The money is fairly steady and reliable. At least, in the course of a week or so. People on commission jobs probably get what I’m trying to say way more than salary fucks. You can have several shitty days in a row and your income is a direct result of that. Some salary fuck can miss work, fuck up, stay late, get reprimanded by a superior—all in a couple days’ time—and still get the same exact paycheck as he did last time. So, I have no clue why anyone would want to make enemies at a restaurant. When servers are happy and work together, they make more money. It’s not fucking college trig, ya know? Come in, do your shit, put on a sunny disposition if you have to, and skidaddle with your cheddar for the day.
My problem is not that I don’t look to the future for something better. It isn’t that I really want anything else. I’m content with making decent cash, paying my rent and utilities, and spending the rest however the fuck I want. If I’m dating someone, I’ll blow a lot of cash on her early on. If it fizzles out, so what? We had fun, right? We didn’t plan a safari for six months and eat fucking generic mac and cheese every night until the big trip either.
So, I actually like what I do—even if it isn’t what I thought I’d do as I’m nearing 30. It’s my life, ya know? Why the fuck does anyone else care?
I’ve dated tons of servers too. Most of the time, it’s short-lived and one of us ends up leaving the restaurant only to just pick up a job elsewhere by the end of the week. It’s probably common in college towns this size. It’s the only city I’ve really known, though. When I say date, I should be more articulate. I show interest in a girl and typically a group of us go out for drinks or whatever. I make a move and it’s either received well or it’s received poorly. I’m cruising at about a sixty-five percent success rate. Most of the rejections stem from them having boyfriends or at least claiming they do. I’m not all about trying to wreck anybody’s good thing. If they’re lying about being in a relationship, at least it saves me the embarrassment while I’m getting hammered at four bucks a drink. The girls are all pretty good natured and usually just drift away. Maybe they go home for summer break or maybe they find a better job. Some are crazy and some are super horny. You don’t know me all that well, but trust me when I say I’m very respectful toward them all and I take it all in stride.
Except for one girl . Real quick, lemme give you dudes a heads up on a certain type of girl. She was twenty when she started and I was the first guy she hung around with since she’d left her hometown to come to college. She was pretty and had joined a sorority, but it was not like the type you may expect. They had been on probation for like three years for some super fucked-up shit that went down during homecoming or rush or whatever, and they were basically desperate to get a new breed of girls in their club. Mellaaddy (pronounced as “Melody” but yeah, it was fucking spelled like that) jumped at the chance and was rising up the authority totem pole quite quickly. Well, here’s the red-flag, gentlemen: She ran a sorority-presidential campaign by using the new-found popularity of those vibrantly colored vinyl or plastic bracelets. She’d thought it was quirky to make a hashtag with her name on these and give them out to the girls who were in the sorority or trying to be in the sorority.
Then she gave me one to wear.
And she wasn’t fucking around either.
“I don’t get it. I’m not even a student…”
“Oh, I think it’s cute! If you wear it at work, maybe people will ask about it and you can tell them—”
“Oh. Okay. Well. Thank you.”
“Put it on.”
“Sure! The election is in two months and I really want to win…”
It’s pretty obvious, I hope, that she and I didn’t make it to the night the votes were cast.
I kept the fucking bracelet though and it’s on the shelf next to my shaving cream behind the mirror in my bathroom. Every day or so I see it and am reminded to keep the crazies at a distance.
It’s worked so far.
And I’ve also figured out the girls who were so fucking mysterious to me through late high school and into college. This just happened last week. The girl’s name is Kendra, and she’s probably around twenty-three. Not too young, I know, but she looked a little younger but acted a lot older. Does that make sense? So like, her age was an average of her look and her personality. Something like that.
Well, this dude rolls up and is just standing near the kitchen pass-through. Not in the way or anything. But standing there. It’s a place where either really forward people stand if they want something like napkins or a ketchup bottle that actually has ketchup in it, or a spot where past or present employees linger to get someone’s attention. This bulky dude was the latter. He was dressed like a biker—probably was one, I suppose—and it was still pretty warm out so he had a short-sleeved shirt under his leather vest. I didn’t catch the local brotherhood of riders’ name on the back (something like Sons of Halitosis or Evil Do-Gooders, I’m guessing) but I did notice the rather unsettling red bulbs emerging from his forearms on both sides. It was one of those things the eye catches and you know you’re already staring at it too long, but it’s so fucking intoxicating to examine that on the one hand you’re peering into some chemically charged abscess while subconsciously weighing out what you think this fucker is going to do to when he realizes you’re staring at his fucking ghastly arm. People who wear that much black leather aren’t typically the most secure people when it comes to visible abnormalities or proper English. Thus, I looked away as quickly as I could, but those bulbs lingered in my mind for days afterward.
So this dude is just chilling there, and if he’d looked like anyone else less menacing I might have struck up a simple “May I help you” scenario, not so much as to appease whatever his request was but rather for my own selfish get-those-fucking-things-away-from-me needs. That, and some dopey newbie sweetly asked him if she could get him anything and all he said was Kendra’s name. I passed by during this brief exchange but could tell with his single word response that he was probably itching to get back on the road (presumably not toward a dermatologist’s office, I might add) and was growing impatient with each passing second.
Kendra took her sweet ass time getting to him and had a muffled conversation right outside the pass-through. I busied myself with making drinks and remembering where the damn state-required sanitation pumps were because I was not a hundred percent that Gruff Daddy’s arms didn’t come in contact with my own. This was just last year, and I have my whole life still to live.
About a half-hour later, I had a few seconds next to Kendra and asked if that was her boyfriend.
“I don’t know the individual’s name. The guy who wanted you a little bit ago.”
“Don’t you know Keith? He’s a dish guy.”
That at least spoke to the irritations on his arms. “Nope. Never seen him.”
“Well, he only works weekends here.”
“Yeah. That’s why. Anyway, no. He needed a ride.” She paused, but not for anything other than stifling a burp, I think. “You know I’m like, super gay right?”
“I..did not know that.”
“Yeah. So. No. Not my boyfriend.”
“Mmmkay,” was all I could muster. I was suddenly sixteen and completely thrown off by looking at a woman who was into other women. I’m sure I’ve known more, but Kendra was astronomically more comfortable with her lesbianism than anyone else. This was only like the third night we’d worked the same shift.
The place was getting quieter and a bunch of the other servers were already gone or about to go. Kendra was wiping down a drink station and I was filling an ice bucket. I thought, what the hell.
“Sorry if I said anything wrong earlier,” I began. I knew she didn’t give a shit. I mean, she wasn’t like offended or anything. She was proud of who she was. I wanted to make jokes. I wanted to sarcastically say all the things I knew other people had said to her over the last several years (or however long it’d had been since she first came out) like “But you’re so pretty” or “Do you think it’s real or just a phase?” All the stuff that it’s pretty uncool to say now.
So, instead, I began by apologizing unnecessarily.
“It’s good. I just thought you should know.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” She had a tinge of nervousness in her voice. She probably knew I wasn’t some college douche, but at the same time I was still a man. A guy. And we have a fucking long-ass record of asking dumb questions.
“Isn’t it funny that you and I probably get off to the same porn?”
She fucking lost it. I blindsided her and she had no way to reply. She cackled so loud that it caused Misfit Brian to emerge from his hole of an office to ask what the noise was.
“Seriously!” I continued. I had her hooked now, boy. “I mean, we barely know each other, but I feel like you and I could discuss multiple girl-on-girl videos we’ve both seen!”
She snorted. I was all jittery. I get like that when I say something that gets such a positive reaction. People who don’t know me too well will comment from time to time that I should be on stage somewhere. I’m not trying to believe it’s just that easy, but it is very close to a medicated high when it happens. Like a non-sticky orgasm.
“You’re too funny, dude,” she said when she caught her breath. What are you doing tonight?”
A porno reel began in my head, but I knew any joke there would fuck things up.
“Shit. Nothin’ special. Get some fuckin’ tacos or something and watch a movie or something. Think about what I did with my life.”
Her face shifted to serious, not knowing if I was being genuine or sarcastic. “That’s fucking deep, man. Seriously. Wanna meet my roommate?”
I did, absolutely. But I had to stay cool and somewhat indifferent. “It’d be alright, I suppose.” Then, toward the nothingness of the nearest wall, I announced, “Guess you’ll have to wait a day, Ben Affleck!” She laughed and bit her bottom lip. Still sexy to me, whether a girl likes dudes or not. “What ya wanna do?”
“There’s a shitty sports bar not far from here called Buckaroo’s. I mean, it sucks if you have standards, but we go there because no one else does.”
“Is that Buckaroo’s – apostrophe S, or just Buckaroos—plural S?”
She glazed over. “What?”
“Well, it’s crusty and probably going to close before Christmas, but we like it.”
I nodded and said something about running home to change, but she cut me off.
“Nah, don’t fuck around. TNF tonight, boi!” she howled and whisked away. I didn’t have time to say in my best droll voice that nobody calls it “TNF.” Thursday night football is the one exception, it seems, where Americans are willing to pronounce all five syllables.
That was the night I met Valerie. And Valerie brought some friends from high school a few weeks later. And one of those friends brought her roommate who was looking for a job. And that girl is Stacey who started at my restaurant. Kendra quit a couple weeks before Stacey started. I heard her bitchy girlfriend left her with no note. Not that any of that matters, but I thought I should share how things work in my world. We wait tables and get together and drink and usually start by making fun of the fuckers who gave us shit and complain about managers’ shitty micromanaging, and the straight girls would usually bitch about nursing classes being harder than they thought and the cosmetology girls would talk about hundred-dollar make-up and Kendra and/or Valerie and I would talk shit about the game that was on and how many women on the pro tennis tour were gay and whether or not gay men fantasize about threesomes with one girl but no one in our group could shed light on that one.
They’d ask me if I went to school or if I ever went to school and I was nothing but forthright. I gave them the story you’re reading now. I went to school like most idiots who didn’t have a fucking plan and lost control of the situation and found myself unable to sign up for classes. They told me the community college would take me and that my credits would transfer back but that sounded like a whole lotta years in the classroom not making money. So I changed the game and balled in restaurants for forty hours a week for a while until I realized I could get a second serving job down the road and make another couple hundred or so. Nothing was tying me down. Nothing kept me from going after that easy cash, boi.
If I wasn’t serving, drinking, or sleeping, I was usually reading in those days. I mean, I told Kendra that first time she invited me to Buckaroo’s that I was going to watch some dopey movie, but that’s because you don’t tell people you’re going to hurry home and read.