Town Gathering


Speaker at podium:  Good evening, everyone.  I’m absolutely thrilled to see all of you here tonight at our monthly town hall meeting.  Thanks to those who RSVP’d beforehand and scanned their phones as they entered.  We have nearly 100% of the registered voters here, I’m told, and many of you, I can see, have brought your children.  Having an accurate count of adults and children in attendance for these Town Hall meetings will lead us to a successful exchange of ideas.

As you can see on this large screen behind me, we have a number of issues to discuss tonight.  Some, as you can already tell, are going to be easier than others.  We had them randomized by a supercomputer in another township so we couldn’t be accused of playing favorites.

1st Man in attendance:  You misspelled “Equipment” on number three there!

Speaker:  Oh, you’re right.  Let’s change that.  Thank you.  Now, the first topic tonight is the road constructions on Hollis–

2nd Man in attendance:  Is this gonna take long?  I gotta work in the morning.

Speaker:  We hope not to keep anyone too long.  However, those in attendance are free to go when necessary.

1st Man:  Isn’t it Hollis Boulevard?  You have Hollis Street on the sign.

1st Woman:   It’s Street, you dumb ass!  I’ve lived there for sixteen years; I think I know the name of my street!

2nd Man:  It used to be Hollis Boulevard when I was younger.  They musta changed it recently.

3rd Man:  Mr. Speaker.  When will the construction zones be finished?

Speaker:  Thank you for getting back to the subject.

4th Man:  Kiss-ass.  Do you suck his dick after this meeting too?

2nd Woman:  Please, everyone.  My children are here too.

4th Man:  Well, they’re gonna need to learn this language eventually.  Tired of you people raisin’ a bunch of pussies!

5th Man:  You can’t talk to my wife like that!

1st Man:  Guys, did you know the new Game of Thrones was on tonight?  How could they schedule this meeting at the same time?  Let’s wrap this up!

3rd Woman:  I’ve never seen that show.  I don’t care if I miss the new episode.  I want to know about the new playground equipment listed at number 3.

Speaker:  We plan to get to that one soon.

5th Man:  Wait, isn’t tonight the last game of the playoffs too?  I’m actually pissed I’m here and not at home right now.

3rd Man:  Who you rooting for to win?

5th Man:  I think the reigning champs are gonna repeat!

2nd Man:  You dipshits still watch sports?  Don’t you have any real work to do at your homes?

4th Man:  It’s sad, isn’t it?  Here I am at this meeting giving up MY valuable time when I could be at home doing something productive.

Speaker:  Folks, folks!  I’d love for us to all be a part of something productive.  We have a list, and we’d like to get the conversation started on the roads along Hol–

3rd Woman:  We don’t even watch TV anymore.  There’s nothing but junk and blasphemy on every channel.

2nd Woman:  You’re so right.  We let our little Charles watch cartoons for about an hour a day.  My husband put a control on the TV that shuts it off whenever–

4th Man:  Nobody cares, bitch!

4th Woman:  Okay, that’s it.  Mr. Speaker, can we get this guy outta here?

Speaker:  We appreciate your concern, but we do not want anyone dismissed from this.  We respect free speech, and we want your voices heard on these very important iss–

4th Man:  You don’t speak for me, cocksucker!  I’m not going anywhere unless I decide to leave.  I’ll take on all of you if that’s what it takes!

2nd Man:  Oh my god, guys!  You’ll never guess which celebrity just died!

1st Woman:  I hope it wasn’t that man from all those movies I watch all the time with my family.  How will I explain it to them?

Speaker:  Ladies and gentlemen.  The construction for Hollis Boule—Street!  is set to be finished by December 31.

All in attendance:  WHAT????!!!

1st Man:  You told us last month that it would be done sooner and under budget!

2nd Woman:  I planned on travelling through there for the holidays.  I guess my Christmas is ruined.

4th Man:  Ha!  Merry Fucking Christmas, ya idiots!

3rd Man:  We’re Jewish.

4th Man:  Nobody cares about that either!

Speaker (covers the mic and turns to his consultant):  You said meeting them in person would be different than online.  You owe me a beer.

2nd Woman:  I heard that!   Alcohol is a sin!!!



A Month Without Facebook


After some deliberation, I uninstalled FB from my phone in late April.  I looked at it on other devices periodically, but I also began reading actual books (and grading research papers).  I added it back yesterday because I wanted to add any graduates who wanted to stay in touch.  

What I saw today reminded me why I uninstalled: A news story about a guy with a racist sign in his yard, viral videos of backyard fights, and people complaining about others’ laziness.  The same banal horseshit.  

I challenge all readers to drop Facebook for a week or a month and just see if you truly miss it.  I sure don’t!! 

Liquid Soapbox


You found it!  The secret bottom tab with all the really JUICY commentary!

Need an explanation for the name?  It’s simply a moniker I created to describe a metrosexual who thinks he has something important to point out from time to time.

I’ll put all types of writing here that doesn’t quite fit into the other categories.  While I never really set out to offend, it’s bound to happen.  Who am I?  No one, really.  Just a guy who is using technology to exert some built-up mental tension.

Getting Dumped and Moving On


Warning:  Katy did NOT dump me…but someone else did…

For reasons I cannot explain, I happened to notice on Wednesday that I had 240 FB friends.  First of all, thanks, gang, for staying with me.  On Thursday, I had 239.

Someone dumped me.

But it wasn’t you, since, ya know, you’re reading this.

So…thanks again!  Glad we’re still cool.

I know people clean out their friends list all the time.  It’s a digital way to avoid actual cleaning.  I get that.  A lot of people go on to advertise the fact that they just dumped a lot of people and that the people reading that post should be happy they “made the cut.”  Thus, it can be encouraging and uplifting to start your day learning that your friend is still your friend and not some evil bastard who was tired of reading your BS all the time about your stupid life and got a millisecond of thrill by cliicking that “delete this a-hole” button or whatever it says.

But I have a hard time believing someone was tired of MY BS.  I mean…c’mon!

The second part of this is about the Cracker Barrel. As anyone who could possible care to read this far already knows, I will no longer be employed at the Cracker Barrel as of Wednesday.  After four plus years, I’m burning my aprons and moving on.  I’ve met a lot of really great people (some are reading this right now!) and made some lasting friendships.  Above all, I met Katy there in December 2009, and my life has been pretty much AWESOME ever since.

Oh, the reason I’m leaving:

My big brother (who may or may not be 40 in 8 days) is an associate manager with the company and was given a transfer back to Terre Haute from the store where he started in Troy, IL (town motto: “We’re not St. Elmo, but We’re Close…Sorta!”).  The company policy restricts relatives to work subservient to one another in the the same store.

Like with any job, there will be things I miss and things I don’t.  You decide which one applies to the following list:

1.  Making hot teas

2.  Getting a guest “cleaner” silverware

3.  Momma

4.  newly baked croutons

5.  asking eight different people at the same table whether or not he or she would like whte or brown gravy on his or her mashed potatoes

6.  helping Amy D with juice

7.  rolling 125 (yeah right) silveware

8.  two dollars from any four-top

9. the entire store tensing up when Ray walks in

10.  getting mugs

11.  sheesh this list could go on forever…..

12.  cheese wedges

13.  sweeping the same spot over and over with no success of getting whateverthehellthatis to move into the dustpan

14.  watching Frank swipe a milk/banana/handful of cherries (no exaggeration, trust me!)

15.  being informed of any goal hour made that has absolutely no effect on my pay

16.  okay i’m done…but there’s tons more

With school starting soon anyway, it’s good timing.  I may still get a second job somewhere…we’ll see.  I’m sure you’re all dying to know what my future is with any other restaurant or whatever.  You’re sweet to feign interest.  That’s the sign of a true FB friend!

Anyway, that’s it.  I know this note wasn’t nearly as funny/annoying as the others have been.


But it’s what’s on my mind….and I’m supposed to write that, according to Jesse Eisenberg or whomever

(yes, WHOMEVER is right because it’s the objective case, not the nominative case pronoun in this instance)