Would you hire me?

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My name is Steve Lively, and I’ve been in education for over 17 years, most of which was at a small-town public school.  I teach English, if that happens to matter.

So.  I hear you’re selling your house?  Will you hire me to be your realtor?  How about just the home estimate?  I spend much of my time at home.

I understand you need an engine replaced in your 1957 Bel-Air convertible.  Beautiful vehicle.  Just gorgeous.  Will you hire me to put it in?  I’ve ridden in many cars.

It’s come to my attention that your roof is leaking?  Wish to pay me to do that for you?  Water is bad when it comes to stuff like that.

I noticed your neighborhood is lacking in security.  Might you consider me to be your night watchman/security council?  Lots of bad-looking dudes lurking around neighborhoods these days, boy.  I’ve seen them.  They’re a disaster.

That wound looks fresh.  Let me get my, er, uh, stitching tools and I’ll clean you right up.  I’ve seen Grey’s Anatomy AND ER.  Don’t worry about the bill.  For now.  Believe me.

Some credit card companies are hounding you about a bill you paid?  Hire me, and I’ll defend you in court.   I know about money and stuff.  Lawyers.  That Judge Judy, though, is a nasty woman.  Private server.

Your next-door neighbor just informed me that she’s seen you inviting multiple women into your home while your wife is away at work.  You old dog!  Women are beautiful little creatures, aren’t they?  I know!  No one can make a better sandwich, boy.  I know.  I can’t really help myself either.  Anyway, need help with that?  I’m very respectful of women.  At least, the young, skinny, attractive white ones.

I hear the city is considering a multi-million dollar road renovation that will turn your quaint little two-lane street into a four-lane causeway.  Well, that’s just business.  I’ve actually got a lot of land.  No, not here.  Well, wait.  Maybe here.  So much land, ya know. My companies typically come through early and under budget.  I’ve got some new buildings going up in…wait, what were we talking about?

That toothache?  I can fix it.  Let me tell you something.  And I’m being totally serious here.  I got a corn kernel stuck in my teeth once when I was a kid.  These rigged movie theaters are in bed with the dentists.  And if you don’t believe me, you should.

Just hire me.  Trust me.  I know stuff.  I can do it.  Emails.

Forget the fact that I’ve spent my entire life not actually doing any of the above things.

Forget that my resume would hit the the bottom of everyone else’s trash can for these jobs and responsibilities.

You just have to trust me.

Trust that I can do it for you. The best job.  Because I have balls and I say what I mean.

I mean, let’s look at this.  ISIS, right?  Terrorism.  Jobs are going to other countries.  Disaster.  Stamina.  Wrong.  China knows what we don’t.  Those thugs in the Middle East?  They figured it all out before anyone.  Technology?  It’s just a disaster.  So very sad.  Putin.  There’s a leader.  33,000 emails.  He and the north Vietnamese.  They were at a Miss  America pageant at one of my casinos one time…

ahem…

Forget that.  They’re just all trying to destroy my brand and my name.

Remember this:  The other guys who want to work for you are crooks.  They’re crooked.  They’re rigging the system against me.  You could be next.  Choose me.

The vote is next week.

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An End to the Endless Cycle – A Modest Proposal

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Last night, I was minding my own business and simultaneously reading my Facebook NewsFeed.  Yes, it’s one of those types of posts.

Someone I know shared a video from a gentleman whose agenda appeared to be to exhibit how little some college students knew about ISIS.

What do you know about ISIS?

Here is a trustworthy site that covers some basics.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/isis

I know very little.  I understand they claim to pose a threat to the US.  I understand they are an extremist branch of individuals who, for reasons we may never fully comprehend, may very well act upon their alleged hatred of the US.

For the sake of this post, the amount of intelligence that you, dear reader, or I have at the moment is actually not what launched the following.

This video was designed not to inform the viewer about something that could be potentially dangerous.  It was, it seems, designed to make fun of college students’ ignorance of this danger.  (In short, he says to one interviewee that one would assume that the college would be filled with informed citizens).

The caption, whose author is an apparent fan of capital letters and punctuation marks, reads like this:

[SO STUPID!! Can you believe HOW MANY COLLEGE STUDENTS actually SIGN A PETITION supporting the TERRORIST ORGANIZATION ISIS????????? Who lets these people vote???]

It’s me again…(Steve…the author of this post)

“Who lets these people vote?[??]”?

1.  I saw no voting booths in the shot.

2.  Any voting going on that afternoon on campus was more than likely unrelated to a world terrorist crisis.

3.  Our Constitution entitles all citizens eighteen and above the privilege to vote.

Why were college students targeted here?  It was unclear.

However, one might assume that the creator has a personal vendetta against college in general.  Ironically, assuming he and his crew were permitted to be on campus for this project, he certainly didn’t seem too interested in teaching anything the uninformed students had not learned.  [You’d think adults would be on a college campus to teach the students passing by.] No.  His time was much better used to embarrass them by filming them (I must assume) without their knowledge, and giving them no recourse or opportunity to gain anything useful from his project.

Nope.  Just laughs.

Is this guy a professional comedian?  Should we respect his art in making college students look- and feel bad about themselves?  What will his next project be, one wonders?  Which unsuspecting citizen will be next in his series of films?

It should be noted that he dances around a few ethical issues in obtaining these signatures.  I’m far from an expert on this and many other subjects, but I feel that misinforming a prospective signer of the petition might be what the invisible legal text beside me cites as “Bullshit.”

This, to me, is a sad version of the Modern American.  Instead of helping learn about a terrorist organization and sharing verified information with the world, we have citizens who devote entire blocks of time to show how some of us know some things and some of us have yet to learn those things.

It creates an even larger divide among our citizens.  We tend to do anything we can to show the world we aren’t as ugly, uneducated, poor, morally empty, or soulless as the person beside us.   I can’t say that the same mentality exists worldwide.  As an optimist, I would like to believe Americans are the only country to keep this endless cycle rotating (and publish it for the public).

Our lives ought to be filled with laughter.  However, I question the cost at which we reach that joy.

By the way, the series of comments I read (all of which appeared to be both entertained and pissed off) were startlingly consistent with this gentleman’s agenda.