BREAKING: A series of larger-than-life statues of Hilary Rodham Clinton, Al Gore, and John Kerry will soon be on display throughout significant places in this great United States. Even though each of these three lost an election, the statues are meant to honor our past and heritage. Therefore, no one should ever, and I mean ever, challenge the fact that they were created and placed in a location where future generations can see it. There’s no political agenda here. Their legacy shall be honored and maintained forever. Anyone who believes they should be taken down is unpatriotic, disrespectful, and un-American.
Speaker at podium: Good evening, everyone. I’m absolutely thrilled to see all of you here tonight at our monthly town hall meeting. Thanks to those who RSVP’d beforehand and scanned their phones as they entered. We have nearly 100% of the registered voters here, I’m told, and many of you, I can see, have brought your children. Having an accurate count of adults and children in attendance for these Town Hall meetings will lead us to a successful exchange of ideas.
As you can see on this large screen behind me, we have a number of issues to discuss tonight. Some, as you can already tell, are going to be easier than others. We had them randomized by a supercomputer in another township so we couldn’t be accused of playing favorites.
1st Man in attendance: You misspelled “Equipment” on number three there!
Speaker: Oh, you’re right. Let’s change that. Thank you. Now, the first topic tonight is the road constructions on Hollis–
2nd Man in attendance: Is this gonna take long? I gotta work in the morning.
Speaker: We hope not to keep anyone too long. However, those in attendance are free to go when necessary.
1st Man: Isn’t it Hollis Boulevard? You have Hollis Street on the sign.
1st Woman: It’s Street, you dumb ass! I’ve lived there for sixteen years; I think I know the name of my street!
2nd Man: It used to be Hollis Boulevard when I was younger. They musta changed it recently.
3rd Man: Mr. Speaker. When will the construction zones be finished?
Speaker: Thank you for getting back to the subject.
4th Man: Kiss-ass. Do you suck his dick after this meeting too?
2nd Woman: Please, everyone. My children are here too.
4th Man: Well, they’re gonna need to learn this language eventually. Tired of you people raisin’ a bunch of pussies!
5th Man: You can’t talk to my wife like that!
1st Man: Guys, did you know the new Game of Thrones was on tonight? How could they schedule this meeting at the same time? Let’s wrap this up!
3rd Woman: I’ve never seen that show. I don’t care if I miss the new episode. I want to know about the new playground equipment listed at number 3.
Speaker: We plan to get to that one soon.
5th Man: Wait, isn’t tonight the last game of the playoffs too? I’m actually pissed I’m here and not at home right now.
3rd Man: Who you rooting for to win?
5th Man: I think the reigning champs are gonna repeat!
2nd Man: You dipshits still watch sports? Don’t you have any real work to do at your homes?
4th Man: It’s sad, isn’t it? Here I am at this meeting giving up MY valuable time when I could be at home doing something productive.
Speaker: Folks, folks! I’d love for us to all be a part of something productive. We have a list, and we’d like to get the conversation started on the roads along Hol–
3rd Woman: We don’t even watch TV anymore. There’s nothing but junk and blasphemy on every channel.
2nd Woman: You’re so right. We let our little Charles watch cartoons for about an hour a day. My husband put a control on the TV that shuts it off whenever–
4th Man: Nobody cares, bitch!
4th Woman: Okay, that’s it. Mr. Speaker, can we get this guy outta here?
Speaker: We appreciate your concern, but we do not want anyone dismissed from this. We respect free speech, and we want your voices heard on these very important iss–
4th Man: You don’t speak for me, cocksucker! I’m not going anywhere unless I decide to leave. I’ll take on all of you if that’s what it takes!
2nd Man: Oh my god, guys! You’ll never guess which celebrity just died!
1st Woman: I hope it wasn’t that man from all those movies I watch all the time with my family. How will I explain it to them?
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen. The construction for Hollis Boule—Street! is set to be finished by December 31.
All in attendance: WHAT????!!!
1st Man: You told us last month that it would be done sooner and under budget!
2nd Woman: I planned on travelling through there for the holidays. I guess my Christmas is ruined.
4th Man: Ha! Merry Fucking Christmas, ya idiots!
3rd Man: We’re Jewish.
4th Man: Nobody cares about that either!
Speaker (covers the mic and turns to his consultant): You said meeting them in person would be different than online. You owe me a beer.
2nd Woman: I heard that! Alcohol is a sin!!!